Holding a Heavy Heart

Today is December 10th. Just another day, right? The 10th.

Well it is to most. To most people, the tenth is just another day-perhaps a birthday or anniversary. The tenth used to be just an ordinary day to me. Now, it carries such a deeper meaning. On June 10th, my best friend passed away, my Grandma. Well, that was in June...so what's the problem? It is now December. A different month, season even. Sometimes I don't even realize when it's the tenth, other days it hits me when I say, "What's the date today?" Other days, I know as soon as I wake up, making it hard for me to roll out of bed.

I realized earlier this week that Friday was the 10th of December. June, July, August, September, October, November, and December. Six months. Six entire months of empty living without someone who means the world to me. I realized that my heart was feeling so heavy and so hurt I didn't know what was holding it up anymore. It literally hurts some days. Hurts. One of my organs is in pain. I just miss her so much.

I feel really hung up on the date this week, more than usual. Because I realized it's been half of a year since I last had my Grandma. What's so hard about this for me is not that it has been 6 long months...it doesn't feel like that to me. It feels like she's vacationing in Florida. Like it's been a few weeks but she'll be home any day so I can call. Like when I get a free day I can head over and go spend a day with her. And I can't. And I haven't been able to for quite some time now. It's making my heart heavy.

Now talk about my number one most depressing blog of all time, I know...and I'm sorry. I just want to say that we aren't promised good health or another day on this earth. Recently I've had so patients my age- 23- suffer from unbelievable accidents and who have gone through suffering, whose families have had to suffer. Whose families may not have spent enough time with their loved one, who got in a fight before they became ill, who let selfish desires get in the way of putting their family and loved ones first. It just makes you think.

I'm not saying I did this with my Grandma. I do regret every day being in nursing school when she got sick, I hate it. But she didn't. She was so proud of me. But I do know that in the past I haven't always put family first and I know others that have done the same. So many other things can get in the way-selfishness, annoyance, hurt, jealousy, etc.

I just encourage you if you don't already, don't take your family or your time here on earth for granted. Suck up every minute of it with your loved ones. Seriously-live today so that you'll have nothing to regret tomorrow. I know this all sounds so cliche/corny/whatever, but just love each other. Take time to build up friendships and relationships with family. Some people don't have that at all, so if you do-realize how blessed you really are.

Oh Christmas Tree ~ Oh Christmas Tree!

Our apartment is all decked out for Christmas (to the best of its ability). And I don't mean to brag but can I just say that I love our Christmas tree? It makes it so much cozier in our home and don't get me started on how much I love staring at the lights. I could stare forever!

Sidenote: Notice Max has taken his spot under the tree. He thinks the bulbs are his toys and he is constantly chewing at the branches. Drives me CRAZY :) He is becoming good friends with the spray bottle once again.

The most exciting thing to me though is getting ornaments throughout the years that Carter has made or ornaments that we acquire that are sentimental to us- we have an "engaged" one, an "our first christmas" one that the lovely Christy bought us as a gift, or my "nurse" one. We just put up the first one that Carter made. It just means so much to me. I love our tree because it will be special and full of memories.

This is Carter's tree that Mema got him last year. As you can see he likes to decorate one side only. He is very proud :) 

And last but not least...the nativity. We received this as a wedding gift and I absolutely LOVE my Willow Tree Nativity. It is my favorite thing (second to my beautiful tree of course). I am excited to share the story of Christmas with Carter again this year because he is able to understand it more now, it is so wonderful to watch him learn about Jesus...just another reason why I love Christmas.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Why, Hello Everyone!

Yes...we are still alive and well here in Clarkston! I almost forgot I had a blog until I read my sister-in-law Lindsay's post. So she has inspired a new post! So much has happened since the last time I blogged.

For example:

1. I am a married woman

2. I moved to a new city

3. I have a new home, with a new roommate 

4. I am not in nursing school

5. I am involved in a ministry I am absolutely passionate about-reaching the youth of our generation

6. I am an actual RN (a "real nurse" as Jordan would say)

7. I have a job in the IICU which I am loving so far

8. The holidays are happening, now with my new family

Wow! That seems like quite a lot to blog about, don't you think?

So I am obviously not going to blog about all the happenings in the Starks family. But wanted to let you all know that God has blessed us over and abundantly and we miss all of you reading very much.

It's also December 1st. Which means, it's pretty much my favorite time of year...minus the cold, the snow, and the busy malls. So basically, I only like the holiday-Christmas!!! I am so excited to be sharing this time of year with my husband and son. It's our first "Starks" Christmas together and I cannot wait. I am already thinking of the traditions I would like to begin in our family and the things I would like to continue from other generations. We now have our very first Christmas tree, it is all up and decorated and it looks wonderful if I do say so myself! The rest of the apartment is a bit lacking in the Christmas decoration department but it just makes it more special to build up the collection over the years to come. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas are so special, the time with family is just priceless. We were able to enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving with both sides of the family last week. This year is full of adjustments in the holiday department. It's tough as a newlywed making time for both families. Who would have thought, right? I also have the luxury of working the holidays from now on, which will take some getting used to. And of course, the hardest adjustment, is having to spend the holiday without the people we love. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas were my Grandma's absolute favorite holidays. I don't think there was another time of year where she was happier. She loved to cook and have family together, hence the love for Thanksgiving. She also was the world's best shopper-she loved to shop, mostly for others. She was the most giving person I've ever known, so Christmas time was a lot of fun for her. She LOVED giving people gifts. Her house was decorated beautifully with a tree in literally almost every room. That is a lot of trees...that were perfectly decorated. Just gorgeous. If you weren't feeling "christmasy" before going to her house you couldn't really help it when you were there. And I definitely didn't forget all of the Christmas cookies and treats that were always on the kitchen counter at this time of year. Peanut Butter Blossoms, anyone? Yum. Oh how Christmas won't be the same this year, but hopefully I can make Christmas as special for Jordan & Carter as she always did for me. 

So those are the happenings in our life at the moment. Happy December everyone!

Consider this the "Before"...

So this Saturday we moved our stuff into our new home :) I am so grateful to everyone that was able to help us get in and all settled!!! Thank you soo very much! We couldn't have done it without you.

So I literally packed just about everything on Friday afternoon and then we moved it down Saturday and the apartment was organized by Saturday night. It's not quite there yet but it is as "homey" as it is going to get for now until we are able to get a few more things, paint, hang pictures, etc. So not quite done yet but here is a sneak peak of what we have so far:

Living Room

Master Bedroom

Carter's Room

So there it is. As you can see, it needs a personal touch but this was just at the end of unpacking on Saturday. We are going to paint, hang pictures, etc. It's going to be a cozy little home and we just love it! Just a few short weeks and we'll be living there as a family. CAN'T WAIT! :)

After moving...woo!

I DID IT!!!!

To the very few readers that I have :),

So I did something very crazy and I am so glad I did. I took my final exams early and completed RN school today!!! Words cannot describe the accomplishment I feel and how thrilled I am to be done and be myself again. I just thought I'd let everyone know about this exciting time in my life. Now all I have to do is pass my state boards...so studying isn't gone for good...but school certainly is!

WOO HOO!!!!

A HUGE thank you to everyone who has been there to support me through this challenging time and who has put up with me :) I appreciate it more than you know! Could NEVER have done this without you.

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36 (NIV)

Wow, where did the time go?

So just a little refresher for you:

in just 2 days, Jordan and I will get the keys to our new place

in 6 days I will be "done" with nursing school

in 37 days I will be getting married

I cannot express how excited I am to be finishing nursing school soon. This time next week I won't have to be studying (for anything except boards, that is)!!! WOO HOO!

I can't wait to get unpacked in our new home and then have a month to plan our wedding and start our new life together.

How exciting! Now, studying for the day-not too many more of these.

God is SO good!!!

So the youth are at camp this week...without me :( Boo! So I have been a big baby about that. Only because I know how much fun and life-changing camp is!!! And let me tell you, it has been life changing for them already and it's only day 2! One of the students dedicated his life to the Lord tonight, many of them have been filled with the Holy Spirit, and they are having a BLAST! I can't wait to hear more of what God is going to do in these young people's lives! He is so good!!! I am bummed I am not there to share in the excitement with them but I am soooooo excited here at home :) Miss all my girls (and guys too)!

So if you follow, please pray for the Ignite students this week. I pray that they would be receptive to whatever God has in store for them this week and the many ahead. I pray that they would have softened and open hearts to Him. That they would step out of their comfort zone and give EVERYTHING they have and are to God! I pray that this week would be LIFE CHANGING. That they will remember Camp 2010 as the summer that changed their spiritual walk. I pray for passion in their lives! I pray that He would become priority above all else! That this would be carried back to Clarkston with them and would spread like crazy! I pray for something beyond what I can ever think and imagine for them. I pray that not one student would come home without a touch from God. AMEN!

Please pray for them any time you think of them this week! Glory to God!

Just what I needed...

God's Will for me to Grieve

His place for me

It's been awhile since I've posted. Mostly because all of the crazy things that life brings. But this morning I just needed a place to "vent" I guess...

Sometimes I just have so much on my plate that it overwhelms me, it feels like it just keeps overflowing to effect every area of my life. I feel like no one really understands. If only I could do the things that are most important to me all the time and spend time with the people I love whenever I want, wouldn't that be perfect? There are only a few more weeks of the craziness of school. But then there is wedding planning and moving. Then there are my RN boards. Then I'm sure there is something else. There is always something! I just wish that I could do what I want to be doing these few short weeks before moving...

Lately I have just felt especially alone and left out. Not a fun feeling to have, that's for sure. I just become so frustrated with the situation in general and I continually let it bother me. Today I was reading and I came across this verse,

2 Chronicles 6:2-"I have surely built You an exalted house, and a place for You to dwell in forever.”

The Lord has a place for me in His house, He has promised that to me in His word. And I know I should have comfort in that. I am valuable to Him and He loves me so much.

Psalm 147:3-"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

For any of you reading, if you would just pray for me. It really does hurt to be the one not included or to feel like no one is there and I know that God hears my cries and that someday I will be right where He wants me, right "at home".  Please just pray that God would comfort me, that He would help me to find that place where I "belong", that He would bring me those friends & family that are "there" and that accept me for who I am, that He would bring me unconditional love. I thank Him for those that He has given me and for the love and acceptance that He continually shows me day in and day out, I certainly don't deserve it. Thank you Lord!