Today is December 10th. Just another day, right? The 10th.
Well it is to most. To most people, the tenth is just another day-perhaps a birthday or anniversary. The tenth used to be just an ordinary day to me. Now, it carries such a deeper meaning. On June 10th, my best friend passed away, my Grandma. Well, that was in June...so what's the problem? It is now December. A different month, season even. Sometimes I don't even realize when it's the tenth, other days it hits me when I say, "What's the date today?" Other days, I know as soon as I wake up, making it hard for me to roll out of bed.
I realized earlier this week that Friday was the 10th of December. June, July, August, September, October, November, and December. Six months. Six entire months of empty living without someone who means the world to me. I realized that my heart was feeling so heavy and so hurt I didn't know what was holding it up anymore. It literally hurts some days. Hurts. One of my organs is in pain. I just miss her so much.
I feel really hung up on the date this week, more than usual. Because I realized it's been half of a year since I last had my Grandma. What's so hard about this for me is not that it has been 6 long months...it doesn't feel like that to me. It feels like she's vacationing in Florida. Like it's been a few weeks but she'll be home any day so I can call. Like when I get a free day I can head over and go spend a day with her. And I can't. And I haven't been able to for quite some time now. It's making my heart heavy.
Now talk about my number one most depressing blog of all time, I know...and I'm sorry. I just want to say that we aren't promised good health or another day on this earth. Recently I've had so patients my age- 23- suffer from unbelievable accidents and who have gone through suffering, whose families have had to suffer. Whose families may not have spent enough time with their loved one, who got in a fight before they became ill, who let selfish desires get in the way of putting their family and loved ones first. It just makes you think.
I'm not saying I did this with my Grandma. I do regret every day being in nursing school when she got sick, I hate it. But she didn't. She was so proud of me. But I do know that in the past I haven't always put family first and I know others that have done the same. So many other things can get in the way-selfishness, annoyance, hurt, jealousy, etc.
I just encourage you if you don't already, don't take your family or your time here on earth for granted. Suck up every minute of it with your loved ones. Seriously-live today so that you'll have nothing to regret tomorrow. I know this all sounds so cliche/corny/whatever, but just love each other. Take time to build up friendships and relationships with family. Some people don't have that at all, so if you do-realize how blessed you really are.
Tears flowing now... wow... I don't know what it's like to lose someone so near to my heart, but I do know what it's like to see patients pass away and the hurt that their families go through. I am amazed at how much this job has changed my heart in just three months. I know that your grandma is probably beaming with pride up there in heaven for all that you've accomplished! Love you!
ReplyDeleteWe definitely picked a heart changing career. Love you too Linds!
ReplyDeleteOh Jess. I love you so much. I am dealing with the same thing. 2 days from now, it will be 2 years since my grandma passed away. 2 whole years! and i still feel just as heavy hearted as the day it happened. I still feel like she is on vacation, and i can call her anytime. But when i realize i cant, i break down. My birthday is sopossed to be a great day, but since she passed i cant seem to celebrate. Mainly because on my birthday i was sitting with her as she was slipping away. so how can i celebrate on a day that something so hard happened on?! I know what you mean about not taking family for granted. and wishing we could have changed things before they slipped through our fiingers. The 14th of december almost 2 years ago, brian and I (and slade) drove through the night. 13 hours, to get to michigan before my grandma passed away. We got to bay city at 8 am, and we still had that hr to go. so we decided since gram was getting out of the hospital that afternoon, we'd see her when she got home. Well she slipped into a coma like state on the ambulance ride home, and never recovered after that. I never got to say my last goodbye, I love you, or anything. I do know she knows we were there. But i just wish i wouldnt have been so selfish, and stopped by the hospital to see her one last time. All things happen for a reason. i just try reminding myself of that, but its hard. I love you. I know what you are going through. If you ever need an ear. I am here. I love you so much. xo.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I don't know if it will ever go away for either of us, that's for sure. We sure did treasure our Grams. And I totally understand what you mean about not feeling like celebrating...I feel just the opposite :( I know that both of our Grandma's would not want us to feel guilty about stuff like that either. I remember I tried to call my Grandma on Sunday night late because I had forgotten during the day ( I hardly ever forgot, I spoke to her daily)...Monday morning I didn't call her on my way to class like I always did because I was running late and just thought-I'll call her after...well during class I got the call that I needed to come down right away because "it wasn't looking good". I'll never stop feeling bad about that. Or about every weekend I could have been there and wasn't. But I know they would not have wanted that and we shouldn't feel guilty. I just don't know when or if it'll go away. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it and you very much. Love you shish!
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